My thoughts on A breath between your lips

[warbum]

Chapters 1-9, already told you before, so I'll start off with chapter 10:

I liked the way this chapter developed. It brought about a plot shift in your story in a very interesting way, revealing more about Jayde's personal struggles, and Aubrey's personality. Not to mention the way you wraped up the chapter, you're getting quite good at keeping the readers attention ((mine at least, which is decently hard to do)), and writing wise, there is definatly visible improvement between this chapter and the earlier versions I read. You're progressing fast, and I look forward to reading more of this story

My only suggestion for you after reading this chapter is a few times throughout your story you mention things that I know what you are talking about, but other people may not, example from this chapter:

Scolding herself, she threw her walls up hastily, her face still turned away from him.

I know you are talking about mental walls, but it could be slightly confuseing for people who don't know you as well/at all to realize that you arn't talking about physical barriers of some kind.

I also recall before you refrenced "cutting," most people under twenty will know what you are talking about, but older people may not be as familliar that this is referring to the cutting ones wrists or simmilar actions.

That's all for now, keep up the good work!

[Cascadia]

Thanks Danny.

The cutting part, I figured only teens my age, whoever I gave the link to would know about it, and I wasn't going to show anyone my story in the first place, so I guessed it wouldn't matter.

And the confusion...yeah. Guess I'm not focusing on details....next chapter I'll try to describe more. Maybe I'll write today ^_^

[warbum]

Eleven:

I liked it. It was a nice let off from the buildup of the last chapter, but ended in a nice buildup itself. You're doing a geat job keeping my attention; I eagerly await the next instalment.

[warbum]

Twelve:

I liked it, more kplx?

[warbum]

Thirteen was good, very good. I noticed a few mechanics errors while reading it--typos. I don't remember exactly were they where, but there were two or three I think.

I also wanted to mention that I really like they way you're deveolping Aubrey's personality and exposeing more of the way he thinks to me(the reader). Keep up the good work.


PS- I hope you didn't really kill Jayde...?

[Cascadia]

Heh, me to know, you to find out. I had typos cuz I finished the chap in litterally, 16 mins. ^_^ New record, I'd say. But yeah...Aubrey is a difficult one. Truthfully, I just kinda start writing, and then like, space. The first few lines in each chapter, are mine. But then I'm not even writing it anymore...if you get what I'm saying. I'm not sure who Aubrey really is, yet. Kinda, based off a few people.

[warbum]

Aye, I know what you're saying, kinda like me when I code. I know what the first few things I type are supposed to be. Then it's just kinda a very vauge idea, and stuff just comes out. Then I go back later, compile(er attempt), fix the bugs, and hope it does what it's supposed to. Otherwise, I have to go back and figure out WTF I was writing when I coded it. The comments are like 1/10 as crazy as the code I actually write.